day 6

August 3, 2008 at 2:19 am (Uncategorized)

Today is number 6. This week has been the longest week of my life. When you shape your life around someone and then they are gone – well, it hurts like nothing I have ever felt before. I am experiencing pain in its rawest form, and how it hurts! For the first time, I think I’m experiencing what the death of another person is (although he is absent, not dead) – it is the deepest pain in the world. I wonder when it is going to end. When am I going to feel whole again?

 

            I went to see him yesterday, in the suicide ward of the hospital. He had a nurse on guard all day and all night. He was doing much better – he no longer had any tubes running through him, and was eating whole foods and he no longer needed a catheter.  His tongue was still strangely white, but his color was back and his voice sounded much better, it was still raspy, but not as severe as the other day. He was already talking about business and clients again. His mind was working as it always did — there was no apparent brain damage or memory loss. He said that he is going to be there until Sunday and then he was going 10 days somewhere else to be evaluated. So, it would be a total of 16 days.

            I stayed with him until the night shed its darkness over the world. I hate to drive in the dark, but I had to—I had an hour drive ahead of me….And then he wanted me to come up again today, but a part of me did want to go and another part of me didn’t want to go. First of all, I was running out of gas money and then the outpour of rain, just kept me indoors. But, there was a part of me that said HE DID THIS AND NOW HE HAS TO PAY THE CONSEQUENCES. He put himself in that hospital and I suffer enough. And I am tired and don’t feel like driving 2 hours every day? Am I being selfish? I can’t stand the thought of him in a hospital bed upon his own accord – it irks me. I end up driving 2 hours and paying for parking – being sick is expensive, and I can’t afford it, and the worst part is that I can’t even talk to him.

            I am pulling my hair out because I don’t know what to do about this situation. After seeing him yesterday, I realized that I couldn’t just pick up and leave, that was wrong – I needed to wait until he gets the help he needs.

 

            A week ago we were celebrating his 23rd birthday. Oh, how much one’s life can change in a week –

            And I only have a few more weeks before I really have to get to work and school and he had to ruin my entire vacation – I can’t stand him. I hate him. I can’t stand him. I hate him.

            Do you know what I mean when I say that nothing is the same anymore? I can no longer view anything in life as I once did. Everything is sad and sour. Even writing. I no longer care. I’ve lost the desire to do everything I once loved.

I hope this feeling is just temporary.  

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